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| I fucking hate people especially boys. | | |
| So I've always had faith in the human condition or whatever you call it. I try to see the best in people and generally give people the benefit of the doubt. I'll make up excuses on their behalf when they're acting rude or downright mean. I'm starting to wonder, though, if the joke is on me. Of course I can be a huge bitch... I can rip people to shreds with the best of them. But I like to think that genuinely I am a good person underneath it all. I'd say I'm pretty compassionate. I mean how often does a middle schooler sitting at the 'popular' table make it a point to give up her seat every once in a while to sit with the guy in the corner with downs syndrome or the kid sitting by himself at a massive table just because he's a little awkward and wears the same t-shirt a couple times a week. It's weird to know that I am both that person and the one who can judge people by the type of sunglasses they wear or who makes the bag they're carrying. But this is not about me. This is about all the other people in my life who I have wholeheartedly supported only to get nothing or less than in return. There is a pattern that has seemed to curse me my entire life... I befriend someone and I'm totally there for them you know through thick and thin. I'm nice enough to introduce them to some of my other friends. And suddenly these people are their new best friends. Usually these people latch on to this new group due to their lack of other friends and next thing I know I'm comletely out of the picture. I mean honestly how can a person do that. It's seriously like Mean Girls. It's like I created this bitch and now shes stealing my friends. How can she ditch me for people she wouldnt even know if it werent for me?! Its classic and I cant even count how many times it has happened with me. So I think Im giving up my faith in humans and society in general... All I have to figure out now is what I actually do believe in | | |
| I went to the art museum today. Brian is in town for the first time in over a year so thank goodness I was finally able to make time to see him and his dreds before they're both gone. Our friendship never ceases to amaze me. We can go without talking for months and pickup like no time has passed at all. So me and the best big brother I never had went to check out some art. I've been billions of times and never even noticed what a great collection they have. They've got some pretty legitamate peices... from picasso to monet to pollock to warhol... And how the hell did I not know that one of my personal faves The County Election is at my own art museum?! I've got more enlightenment... Over break I discovered that you actually can fall in love with the same person twice. My boyfriend and I have been at the breaking point for the past few months but breaking up never actually happened due to the distance and the fact that he cut off communication with baisically everyone. So finally winter break came and I was going to give him a night or two before it ended-- that semester had been miserable for both of us. Im not sure how but we ended up falling back in love with each other. Im totally used to my relationships ending in constant fights about stupid things and I thought thats where this was going but instead it did a 180. Basically its a small miracle I never saw coming. Besides this and a few other things (including a ridiculously amazing Christmas) break hasnt been all that great. I guess it's because I've been so confused lately and I hate feeling out of control. Seriously if my life right now was a Robert Frost poem, instead of actually choosing one of the roads diverged in a yellow wood Id be chopping down some of that wood in order to build a bench. That way I can sit on it, looking at the paths, and freak out about which one I should take. Oh life | | |
| I wish my body and brain would just for once get along. Mentally I can handle going to school full time and working full time... ok maybe not all the time ive definitly had a few breakdowns... otherwise Ive been okay... i think its finally catching up with me... last week I had some stomach bug that kept me in bed for almost a week.. it was just great living off of popsicles and gatorade uh not. and somehow Im sick again only its this icky cough throat thing where you cant understand a thing I say because my voice wont project at anything above a whisper... So my parents are all freaking out saying I should quit and take care of myself but I know that would be a huge mistake.. The second I quit I will be told how I am so unproductive and financially irresponsible... My mom is on drugs she is convince that every college students works their way through college and is responsible and pays for everything... Okay yay maybe the ex heroin addicted single moms who go to night classes at meramec so they can stop flipping burgers.... But seriously im eighteen-- that kind of pressure is ridiculous. I guess its a good thing Im used to it. Moving out would be the perfect solution, only Im not planning on being here another year and thats pretty much what all the leases are for... Not too mention the extra financial strain... ooooooooh life | | |
| I am in such a hateful modd right now. Hate Hate Hate for the one person who is supposed to be the one I love and my absolute best friend. Yeah the guy who I never hear from. Not even when I am so sick I cant move from my bed for days. Oh wait no I did get some nice drunken text messages on friday when I was trying to sleep. Way to care. He says hes sooooo busy and college is sooo hard. Like I dont fucking know that?!! I am a sophomore in college taking more hours and harder classes than him and oh working a job that is bordering full time hours. Yet somehow I find the time to call and text to let him know that Im still here. But no reciprocation---the asshole could be dead and I wouldnt even know because I dont talk to him anyways. And the worst part? Feeling like this apparently makes me a horrible nagging bitch. So first neglect me and then yell at me for pointing it out. I mean what the fuck? I am so livid right now. I mean seriously am I overreacting? We have had this same conversation at least 5 times this semester and no change. If he actually picked up the phone once in a while we could have nice normal converstations but seeing as I can only catch him every few weeks Im too pissed off by then to play the nice super sweet lovey dovey girlfriend. I would settle for a fucking 'i love you' every other day if I could get it. But nope ot even that. So its not enough that I feel unloved by the person it means the most from but apparently Im just a huge bitch too. | | |
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